Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

A client of mine recently had this experience: She asked a man in her circle (who happens to be a narcissist and her friend before now discarded) for some help with office work. He helped, she thanked him, and later sent a polite follow-up message about the task. His response? “I’ll call you.” But he never did. The twist? She didn’t chase. She didn’t wait. She simply carried on with her work and got it done through someone else. What looks like a simple story is actually a masterclass in narcissistic psychology . Let’s walk into his head for a moment. The Narcissist’s Inner Monologue Phase 1: Denial and Rationalization “She was obviously happy that I helped.” (ignoring her cool demeanor) “She texted me she still needs me.” (ignoring the fact it was work-related) “I didn’t call because I’m busy/important.” (turning his failed tactic into proof of his value) “She’s playing hard to get.” (protecting his ego with the illusion of control) Phase 2: Cognitive Disso...

A client of mine recently set strong boundaries with a narcissistic man in her circle. At first, he tried to act pleasant. A quick “hi” here and there. Small attempts to stay connected. Nothing dramatic. Then one day, it was raining. He offered her a lift home in his car. She accepted, because she knew her boundaries... she wasn’t emotionally invested, and she trusted herself not to give way. Afterwards, she politely thanked him and followed up with a casual office-related text. His response? “I’ll call you.” But he never did. She wasn’t bothered.

  Recently, I observed something in my own circle. There’s a man I know..      let’s just call him “the narcissist in the room.” We are three people in this friendship. With me, he behaves one way. With my other friend, completely different. With me, I never cross the line. I keep my boundaries firm. And with me, he is always trying to be nice, explain things, come back into the conversation, and stay in my good books. But with my other friend, who seems more emotionally involved, I see a completely different side. He shows his manipulative traits — controlling, criticizing, and pulling her down. At first, it looked confusing. But then I realized: this is exactly how narcissistic dynamics work.

  The Frustration You Know Too Well You explain. You guide. You even repeat yourself. But some people — your parent, your child, even your friends, colleagues keep acting like they already know everything. They don’t open up. They don’t let you in. And you’re left wondering: “Why don’t they get it?” The Real Reason It’s not that they don’t hear you. It’s that their nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to soften. Here’s what’s really happening: Defensiveness as Armor Saying “I know” is easier than saying “I’m scared” or “I don’t understand.” It’s a shield against vulnerability. Fear of Exposure If they admit they don’t know, they feel weak, judged, or dependent. For many, that feels unbearable. Testing the Space Clients especially don’t open up right away. They’re silently asking: “Can I trust this person? Will they hold me without judging?” What Not to Do The mistake we all make is trying to argue with their wall. We push harder. We explain...

  The Pattern You Already Know A serious problem shows up. You try to manage it yourself. It gets too heavy. So you share it with your brother. Still feels unresolved. You tell your parents. They don’t get it. You go to your friends. They also don’t see it the way you do. Now you’re left feeling drained, misunderstood, and wondering: “Why do I keep doing this?” The Real Reason This isn’t about weakness. It’s about survival wiring. As children, many of us were conditioned to believe: “If someone else sees what I see, I’m safe. If they don’t, I’m in danger.” That’s why when something serious happens, your nervous system pushes you to spread it out to others. It’s not about solutions. It’s about resonance. You want someone to mirror back: “Yes, I see it. Yes, you’re right to feel this way.” The Problem With This Cycle Most people can’t give you that resonance. Parents filter it through control. Siblings try to fix. Friends try to comfort or distract. ...

  Boundaries and Nervous Systems Setting boundaries with parents feels like it should bring relief. You finally say, “Don’t interfere in my choices.” They don’t argue, they don’t shout, they just go silent. Technically, that’s them respecting the boundary. So why do you still feel disturbed, guilty, even unsafe? The answer lies in your nervous system.

Years since he cheated. Years since the false promises. Years since he disappeared without giving her a single answer. When she’s at work? No problem, her mind is busy. But the moment she’s free… Walking from the second floor to the third… Washing dishes… Waiting for coffee… He’s there. Not in person. In her head. She replays the betrayal. She questions   Why did he do this? What did I miss? Sometimes she even imagines the future  He comes back, says all the right things, And she finally rejects him. It feels satisfying for a second. But it’s not real. Why This Happens Your brain hates loose ends. When a relationship ends without closure, your mind treats it like an unfinished puzzle . And here’s the catch  It’s not just about him anymore. Your nervous system got hooked on the emotional spike he created: Anger. Betrayal. Longing. Strong, intense emotions. Now, every time you’re not fully focused, your brain searches for that spike again. Not because yo...