Why Silence Feels Like Punishment (And What’s Really Going On)

 

Boundaries and Nervous Systems

Setting boundaries with parents feels like it should bring relief.
You finally say, “Don’t interfere in my choices.”

They don’t argue, they don’t shout, they just go silent.

Technically, that’s them respecting the boundary.
So why do you still feel disturbed, guilty, even unsafe?

The answer lies in your nervous system.

What’s Happening Beneath the Silence



When you were a child, your brain learned one rule:
“Mom upset = danger.”

  • Her silence wasn’t neutral.

  • It often meant rejection, punishment, or shame.

  • Your body wired itself to detect her moods instantly.

Now, as an adult, even when you know logically you’re safe, your nervous system still reacts as if silence = threat.

Signs It’s Old Fear, Not Present Danger

A regulated adult response would be:
“She’s quiet, that’s her choice. I’m fine.”

But if you’re carrying childhood conditioning, you’ll notice:

Physical signs:

  • Tightness in chest or stomach

  • Restlessness, pacing, urge to “do something”

  • Difficulty focusing because your body is on alert

Emotional signs:

  • Irrational guilt (“Did I do something wrong?”)

  • Urge to fawn: explain, justify, or smooth things over

  • Anxiety that grows the longer the silence lasts

Behavioral signs:

  • Wanting to run to her and talk it out

  • Involving siblings to “put sense into her”

  • Abandoning your own peace to fix her mood


Real-Life Example

Scenario: After an argument, your mom withdraws silently.

  • Dysregulated response: Feeling panicked, guilty, planning explanations, wanting to bring in your brother.

  • Regulated response: Noticing her choice, staying grounded, and reminding yourself: “I am safe. Her mood belongs to her.”

Why This Matters

If you don’t recognise this pattern, you’ll keep reinforcing it:

  • You’ll chase her approval.

  • You’ll feel responsible for her emotions.

  • You’ll lose your own inner safety.

But once you see it, you can break the loop.

The Reframe



Your discomfort isn’t proof that you did something wrong.
It’s just your nervous system running on an old script.

The healing is to sit with that urge and tell your body:
“I’m an adult now. I am safe, even if she disapproves.”

So the next time you feel that pull to explain or fix someone’s silence, pause.

It’s not about them.
It’s not about today.
It’s just your body remembering yesterday.
And you don’t have to carry that fear anymore.


Dr Dhivya Pratheepa
Somatic Trauma Informed Abuse Recovery Coach

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