Why a Narcissist Treats You Differently Than Your Friend

 


Recently, I observed something in my own circle.


There’s a man I know..     let’s just call him “the narcissist in the room.”

We are three people in this friendship. With me, he behaves one way. With my other friend, completely different.

With me, I never cross the line. I keep my boundaries firm. And with me, he is always trying to be nice, explain things, come back into the conversation, and stay in my good books.

But with my other friend, who seems more emotionally involved, I see a completely different side. He shows his manipulative traits — controlling, criticizing, and pulling her down.

At first, it looked confusing. But then I realized: this is exactly how narcissistic dynamics work.



The Psychology Behind It:

👉 With me: He is in the pursuit or idealization phase (sometimes called “hoovering” if you’ve already detached). Because I don’t give him control, he keeps trying to win me over. The chase keeps him engaged.

👉 With her: He is in the devaluation phase. Because he already feels he has secured her emotional investment, he no longer needs to be “nice.” Now, he feels free to show his true colours — manipulation, criticism, emotional push-pull.

The Core Motivation:
It’s not about romance, friendship, or genuine connection.
It’s about supply.

A narcissist constantly needs:

  • Control over people.

  • Validation to regulate their fragile self-esteem.

  • A sense of superiority to feel safe.

When boundaries are firm, they work harder to “earn” space.
When they sense emotional investment, they relax into control and begin devaluing.




The Lesson:


 If you’ve ever wondered why a narcissist seems so nice to someone and so cruel to someone else, it’s not about favoritism. It’s about the phases of their cycle.

The one with boundaries gets pursuit.
The one with emotional dependence gets devaluation.


The key is never to measure your worth by how a narcissist treats you. Their behavior says nothing about your value — it only reflects their need for control.


Dr Dhivya Pratheepa
Somatic Trauma Informed Abuse Recovery Coach

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