What Happens When You Keep Boundaries With a Narcissist


A client of mine recently set strong boundaries with a narcissistic man in her circle.

At first, he tried to act pleasant. A quick “hi” here and there. Small attempts to stay connected. Nothing dramatic.

Then one day, it was raining. He offered her a lift home in his car. She accepted, because she knew her boundaries... she wasn’t emotionally invested, and she trusted herself not to give way.

Afterwards, she politely thanked him and followed up with a casual office-related text. His response? “I’ll call you.”

But he never did.

She wasn’t bothered.

This small story holds a big lesson: narcissists react very differently depending on whether you stay consistent in your boundaries or slip back into emotional investment.

Here’s the long-term picture.

Scenario 1: Consistent Boundaries (Long-Term)

What happens if you never give way?

  1. Initial Phase: He will keep performing as the “pleasant guy.” Why? Because he’s still trying to break your boundaries. To him, this is a challenge worth pursuing.

  2. Over Time: Narcissists crave easy supply. If he keeps investing effort but doesn’t “win,” one of two things happens:

    • Most likely: He walks away. He’ll quietly fade (a “silent discard”) and look for someone else who’s easier to manipulate.

    • Less likely: If he’s especially fixated, he might escalate. The pleasantness could turn into guilt-tripping or criticism. But if you don’t react, even this will fade.

Conclusion: Narcissists don’t stay “pleasant” forever. They only stay while there’s a chance to conquer. If you stay consistent, he will most likely walk away to easier supply.

Scenario 2: Emotional Investment → Boundaries → Re-Engagement

What happens if you once gave supply, then cut him off?

  1. The “Hoover” Begins: When you pull away, he sees it as a huge loss. Not only was he getting supply, but now his ego is bruised  because you took control back.

  2. Hoovering Tactics:

    • He’ll suddenly become charming again.

    • He’ll minimize past behavior with vague apologies.

    • He’ll test the waters with casual texts, appeals to empathy, or reminders of “good times.”

    • His only goal: to get you to engage.

  3. If You Stay Firm: He’ll escalate for a while maybe weeks, maybe months. But eventually, when he sees you won’t budge, he’ll give up and move on.

  4. If You Slip: The cycle restarts instantly. A moment of engagement (even anger) is treated as victory. He’ll quickly shift back into devaluation, confirming to himself he still “owns” you.

Conclusion: After boundaries, expect re-engagement attempts. But your consistency decides whether he fades away or re-enters your life.


The Lesson:
Narcissists don’t value connection they value control.

  • When boundaries are strong from the start, they eventually walk away.

  • When supply is taken away after investment, they fight harder to hoover you back.

Either way, your boundaries are the key. They are the wall that keeps you safe from being pulled back into the cycle.

Takeaway:
You don’t need to fear whether he’ll stay “pleasant” or try again. His behavior is predictable. The real question is: Will you remain consistent in your boundaries?

Because the moment you do, you’ve already won.

Dr Dhivya Pratheepa

Somatic Trauma Informed Abuse Recovery Coach

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