Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

You are in love with a man, or you are married to a man,  who is physically present in the relationship but emotionally absent.  He sits next to you, but he is always on his phone.  His mind is always on his next meeting, his next deal, his next goal.  You feel the disconnect.  You keep thinking he doesn’t understand what’s happening, so you try to explain.  You tell him you’re not asking for gifts or big gestures.  You’re just asking for some time, some connection, some presence. And the moment you say it, he reacts. He says he is doing everything for you.  He says nothing is enough for you.  He says this is how he was brought up.  He tells you that you don’t understand the value of money. And this becomes the pattern every time you bring up your needs. What’s actually happening underneath all of this is that men like him usually carry deep father wounds.  He grew up being ignored unless he achieved something.  He learned that...

How I Broke My Toxic Communication Pattern (And What It *Really* Felt Like) Recently, I was talking to a friend,someone I’m not super close with. I brought up something that happened a year ago, when he was a little rude to me. Since he’s so friendly with me now, I thought I’d finally ask why he acted that way. I was genuinely curious and expected a simple explanation. But his answer was completely inconsistent with his past behavior. Immediately, I felt that familiar urge. I had so many points to argue. I wanted to make him see how his story didn't add up. I wanted to explain, correct, and get clarity—to straighten it all out. But I didn't. Because of past experiences, I’ve learned that when people don’t want to see the truth, they won’t. No amount of explaining will change that. So, for the first time, I just kept quiet. On the outside, I was calm. But on the inside, I was intensely irritated. My mind was stuck in a loop, replaying the conversation and all the things I wanted...

  Why a Narcissist Refuses to Travel with the Group I noticed something recently.  We had a plan to travel together in a van. A big group. Around fifteen to twenty people.  Everyone was excited. Except one person. He immediately said no. He wanted to come in a separate car. At first it looks harmless. Just a preference. But when you understand narcissistic patterns, this behaviour makes perfect sense.

  How to Trust Yourself After Abuse One of the hardest parts of healing after abuse is not trusting anyone — including yourself. You start second-guessing every decision. You overthink every word. You fear your intuition because it once led you to danger. But here’s the truth — your intuition didn’t fail you. Your safety was overridden by survival. 1. Why You Stopped Trusting Yourself Abuse trains you to question your own perception. You get blamed for things you didn’t do, told that what you saw or heard didn’t happen, and forced to apologize for existing. This constant gaslighting rewires your nervous system. Your body starts asking, “Can I trust what I feel?” Your mind starts answering, “No. It’s safer to doubt.” 2. Signs You’ve Lost Self-Trust You ask everyone else for advice before making a decision. You replay conversations in your head, wondering if you were “too much.” You panic when someone disagrees with you. You apologize even when you did noth...

  When is the right time to date after an abusive relationship You do not have to be perfectly healed to date. You do need to be safe, self trusting, and boundaried. Healing is not a finish line. It is a foundation you stand on while you choose. Here is a clear, gentle way to decide if you are ready to move from meeting to investing. The readiness check Score each item from zero to five. Aim for mostly fours and fives before you deepen with someone. I can sleep, eat, and work without constant rumination about my ex. I can name my boundaries and hold them without panic. I can notice body cues and bring myself back to calm within a reasonable time. I am not trying to prove my worth through a partner. I have at least two people I can call for reality checks. I know my non negotiables and my nice to haves. I can offer myself compassion when I make mistakes. If a few items are at twos or below, keep building your base. You are not failing. You are practicing ...

 If you love someone who has survived narcissistic abuse, this is how you actually help.  Support is not fixing.  Support is creating safety so their nervous system can breathe again. 1. Be the calm after their storm When they open up, do not interrogate. Sit with them. Breathe with them. Offer water. Let the silence be medicine. Say this I am here. You are safe with me. We can sit quietly. Avoid this What exactly happened Tell me everything Why did you stay Why it works After abuse, the body sits in constant alert. Calm presence tells the brain that the danger is not here now.

A client of mine recently had this experience: She asked a man in her circle (who happens to be a narcissist and her friend before now discarded) for some help with office work. He helped, she thanked him, and later sent a polite follow-up message about the task. His response? “I’ll call you.” But he never did. The twist? She didn’t chase. She didn’t wait. She simply carried on with her work and got it done through someone else. What looks like a simple story is actually a masterclass in narcissistic psychology . Let’s walk into his head for a moment. The Narcissist’s Inner Monologue Phase 1: Denial and Rationalization “She was obviously happy that I helped.” (ignoring her cool demeanor) “She texted me she still needs me.” (ignoring the fact it was work-related) “I didn’t call because I’m busy/important.” (turning his failed tactic into proof of his value) “She’s playing hard to get.” (protecting his ego with the illusion of control) Phase 2: Cognitive Disso...