Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

  When is the right time to date after an abusive relationship You do not have to be perfectly healed to date. You do need to be safe, self trusting, and boundaried. Healing is not a finish line. It is a foundation you stand on while you choose. Here is a clear, gentle way to decide if you are ready to move from meeting to investing. The readiness check Score each item from zero to five. Aim for mostly fours and fives before you deepen with someone. I can sleep, eat, and work without constant rumination about my ex. I can name my boundaries and hold them without panic. I can notice body cues and bring myself back to calm within a reasonable time. I am not trying to prove my worth through a partner. I have at least two people I can call for reality checks. I know my non negotiables and my nice to haves. I can offer myself compassion when I make mistakes. If a few items are at twos or below, keep building your base. You are not failing. You are practicing ...

 If you love someone who has survived narcissistic abuse, this is how you actually help.  Support is not fixing.  Support is creating safety so their nervous system can breathe again. 1. Be the calm after their storm When they open up, do not interrogate. Sit with them. Breathe with them. Offer water. Let the silence be medicine. Say this I am here. You are safe with me. We can sit quietly. Avoid this What exactly happened Tell me everything Why did you stay Why it works After abuse, the body sits in constant alert. Calm presence tells the brain that the danger is not here now.

A client of mine recently had this experience: She asked a man in her circle (who happens to be a narcissist and her friend before now discarded) for some help with office work. He helped, she thanked him, and later sent a polite follow-up message about the task. His response? “I’ll call you.” But he never did. The twist? She didn’t chase. She didn’t wait. She simply carried on with her work and got it done through someone else. What looks like a simple story is actually a masterclass in narcissistic psychology . Let’s walk into his head for a moment. The Narcissist’s Inner Monologue Phase 1: Denial and Rationalization “She was obviously happy that I helped.” (ignoring her cool demeanor) “She texted me she still needs me.” (ignoring the fact it was work-related) “I didn’t call because I’m busy/important.” (turning his failed tactic into proof of his value) “She’s playing hard to get.” (protecting his ego with the illusion of control) Phase 2: Cognitive Disso...

A client of mine recently set strong boundaries with a narcissistic man in her circle. At first, he tried to act pleasant. A quick “hi” here and there. Small attempts to stay connected. Nothing dramatic. Then one day, it was raining. He offered her a lift home in his car. She accepted, because she knew her boundaries... she wasn’t emotionally invested, and she trusted herself not to give way. Afterwards, she politely thanked him and followed up with a casual office-related text. His response? “I’ll call you.” But he never did. She wasn’t bothered.

  Recently, I observed something in my own circle. There’s a man I know..      let’s just call him “the narcissist in the room.” We are three people in this friendship. With me, he behaves one way. With my other friend, completely different. With me, I never cross the line. I keep my boundaries firm. And with me, he is always trying to be nice, explain things, come back into the conversation, and stay in my good books. But with my other friend, who seems more emotionally involved, I see a completely different side. He shows his manipulative traits — controlling, criticizing, and pulling her down. At first, it looked confusing. But then I realized: this is exactly how narcissistic dynamics work.

  The Frustration You Know Too Well You explain. You guide. You even repeat yourself. But some people — your parent, your child, even your friends, colleagues keep acting like they already know everything. They don’t open up. They don’t let you in. And you’re left wondering: “Why don’t they get it?” The Real Reason It’s not that they don’t hear you. It’s that their nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to soften. Here’s what’s really happening: Defensiveness as Armor Saying “I know” is easier than saying “I’m scared” or “I don’t understand.” It’s a shield against vulnerability. Fear of Exposure If they admit they don’t know, they feel weak, judged, or dependent. For many, that feels unbearable. Testing the Space Clients especially don’t open up right away. They’re silently asking: “Can I trust this person? Will they hold me without judging?” What Not to Do The mistake we all make is trying to argue with their wall. We push harder. We explain...