Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

  💔 "But He Wasn't Always Like This..."  Why We Hold Onto the Past in Toxic Relationships Have you ever spoken to a woman in a toxic relationship and heard her say: “But he was so good to me in the beginning...” “He was there when I had a miscarriage.” “He used to bring me flowers.” “We were so in love once.” “This isn’t who he really is...” I’ve heard this more times than I can count. And you know what? I get it. I really, really do. Whether it’s a wife stuck in emotional neglect, a mother enduring public humiliation, or a woman still holding onto a boyfriend who ghosted her — they all have one thing in common: They’re clinging to the past while the present is quietly breaking them. So today, I want to gently explore this with you: Why do we hold onto a version of someone that no longer exists? Because: That version felt safe . That version gave them hope . That version was their dream . They’re experiencing a war between: What they believed...

  When Setting a Boundary Feels Awkward But You Did Nothing Wrong You set a boundary in a shared space—maybe a business forum, an office setting, or even in a relationship. You did it calmly. Respectfully.  No drama. Just truth. But the other person didn’t take it well. They pulled away. Got passive-aggressive. Gave you “the cold shoulder.”  And now… you both exist in the same space. The air? It’s awkward. They’re not talking. You’re not talking. You feel it in your body before your brain catches up. Because you’re emotionally aware. Because you care about the energy in the room. Because silence can feel heavier than shouting. Then the thoughts creep in: “Did I do something wrong?” “Am I the one creating this tension?” “Should I have just avoided saying no?” 🎯 This is the guilt of the boundary-setter. Let’s break it down—and de-fuse that guilt. Why It Hurts More in Professional Settings Social Pressure: Groups often prioritize “harmony” over...

 If One "No" Makes Them Leave—It Was Never Real You say no . You honor yourself. And suddenly— poof —they disappear. It’s not fair . It’s not kind . And it’s not what you would’ve done if the roles were reversed. But here’s the truth: If a single boundary erases the entire relationship… It wasn’t a relationship. It was a transaction. And your "yes" was the currency. You didn’t lose them. You finally saw them. Yes, it hurts. Because you loved with sincerity. But don’t you dare let that harden your heart . You are not "too much." You are not "too sensitive." You are not "too giving." You’re just walking through life with your heart switched ON —and that’s rare. Powerful. Precious . It doesn’t need to be shut down. It needs to be protected. Rewrite the Narrative ❌ "If I say no, people leave." ✅ "If I say no, the right people stay—and the wrong ones reveal themselves." What Happens When You Chase Them? 1. You Over...

  5 Signs You Have Unresolved Trauma That’s Affecting Your Nervous System (Even If You’re ‘Doing Everything Right’) You meditate. You eat clean. You go to therapy. You say your affirmations, drink your celery juice, and journal your gratitude. And yet… Something still feels off . You're tired of being tired. You're frustrated that nothing seems to stick. You wonder if maybe it’s just you. But what if it’s not you? What if it’s your nervous system —still carrying unresolved trauma that logic can’t reach? Let’s break it down. 1. You keep running into resistance—no matter how hard you try. You take two steps forward… and three confused sidesteps backward. You can’t focus. You lose steam. You start things with passion and end them with guilt. Despite all the effort, you feel stuck in molasses—mentally foggy, unmotivated, and exhausted by your own inconsistency. This isn’t laziness. It’s a sign of a dysregulated nervous system still caught in survival mode. 2. You...

  How a Regulated Nervous System Helps You Handle Life Like a Boss (Without Losing Your Mind) We often think emotional regulation is for monks, yoga teachers, or people who drink green juice unironically at 6 AM. But let’s get real. Nervous system regulation isn’t a luxury—it’s your secret weapon. At work. At home. In love. Because life will throw curveballs. The question is: Will you react… or respond? Let’s explore how your nervous system shows up in everyday moments—and what changes when it’s regulated. 1. At Work: When the Deadline is Brutal and Your Boss is Breathing Fire You open your inbox. There it is. A long, slightly passive-aggressive email. A deadline that makes your spine tense up. A meeting invite with a title like “Urgent Review.” If You’re Dysregulated: You feel attacked—even if it’s just feedback. You go into freeze mode or try to people-please your way through it. Your brain fogs up, you forget your words in meetings, or you spend hours o...

  What Is a Regulated Nervous System? (Quick Recap) A regulated nervous system isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about being flexible —able to adapt to stress, rise to challenges, and return to rest when it’s time. Think: Facing stress ➔ Reacting appropriately ➔ Recovering smoothly If you’re into a little science (and I know you are 😉), Polyvagal Theory gives us a great framework: When we’re regulated, we hang out mostly in the ventral vagal state : feeling safe , social , curious , and relaxed . When dysregulated, we slip into fight/flight (anxious, angry) or freeze/fawn (numb, shut down, overly pleasing). Key Signs of a Regulated Nervous System Let’s break this down into physical, emotional, and behavioral signs you can actually recognize in daily life: A. Physical Signs Steady heart rate and breathing: Even when you’re mildly stressed, you can still breathe deeply, not gasp or hyperventilate. Healthy digestion: No chronic stomachaches, bl...

  If We All Have the Same Brain… Why Are We So Different? So far, we’ve understood what the nervous system is. It’s like the software running your body and mind, right? But here’s something that always fascinates me: We all have the same nervous system components —a brain, a spinal cord, an amygdala, a hippocampus… Then why is Dhivya so different from Vidhya? Why does Nithya react differently than, say, Meena? We’re all human, built the same way on paper. But we are nothing alike in how we respond to life. And this… is exactly what we’re diving into today. A Chat That Sparked This Blog Before writing this blog, I had a conversation with one of my friends about this very topic. I asked him what he thought makes people so different from one another. He said something so simple, yet so deep: “If I grew up with Hitler, I’d be one person. But if I grew up with Trump, I’d be a totally different person.” And honestly? That nailed it. Who we become is shaped by the environ...