Why We Hold Onto the Past in Toxic Relationships

 

💔 "But He Wasn't Always Like This..." 


Why We Hold Onto the Past in Toxic Relationships




Have you ever spoken to a woman in a toxic relationship and heard her say:

“But he was so good to me in the beginning...”
“He was there when I had a miscarriage.”
“He used to bring me flowers.”
“We were so in love once.”
“This isn’t who he really is...”

I’ve heard this more times than I can count.

And you know what? I get it. I really, really do.

Whether it’s a wife stuck in emotional neglect, a mother enduring public humiliation, or a woman still holding onto a boyfriend who ghosted her — they all have one thing in common:

They’re clinging to the past while the present is quietly breaking them.

So today, I want to gently explore this with you:
Why do we hold onto a version of someone that no longer exists?


Because:

  1. That version felt safe.

  2. That version gave them hope.

  3. That version was their dream.


They’re experiencing a war between:

  • What they believed ("He loves me. He supported me. He’s a good man.")

  • What they’re seeing now ("He’s emotionally unavailable, abusive, violent.")


If they accept the present reality, they’ll have to:

  • Face the fact that their partner isn’t who they thought he was.

  • Admit they invested in someone who’s harming them.

  • Possibly leave (which is terrifying if they’re financially, socially, or emotionally dependent).

So what does the brain do? DENY. MINIMIZE. ROMANTICIZE.
It’s not because they’re weak — it’s because they’re human and traumatized.


You wait for the "good guy" to come back.
But the truth is, he might never return.




“He’s Not That Kind of Person... Right?”

Here’s the hardest truth to accept:

He was kind.
He did support you during the miscarriage.
He did love bomb you.

 That doesn’t cancel out who he is right now.

You’re not crazy for remembering the good.
But you deserve to see what’s happening now — with clear eyes and a supported heart.


Letting go of a toxic relationship isn’t just about breaking up.

It’s about grieving:

  • The version of him who once felt like home.

  • The dream of what your future would look like.

  • The version of yourself who felt deeply seen.

And grief, my love, takes time.

🫶 Final Words From My Heart to Yours



If you’re holding onto the past because the present feels too painful to look at — I see you. I really do.

But just because he was kind once doesn’t mean you owe him your peace forever.

You are allowed to outgrow people who mistreat you.
You are allowed to say, “That was then, this is now.”
You are allowed to choose yourself — every single time.

And if you need someone to hold your hand while you find your way out of the fog… I’m right here.

💌
Dr. Dhivya Pratheepa
Trauma-Informed Coach | Hypnotherapist | Your Nervous System’s Favorite Cheerleader

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