Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

  ❌ Self-Respect Is Not Where Healing Begins The 3 Self-Qualities That Actually Save Victims from Repeating Toxic Cycles “Have some self-respect and leave.” That’s what people love to tell victims of abuse. As if self-respect is some magical switch you can flip after being gaslit, manipulated, or broken down for years. But here’s the hard truth most people don’t understand: 👉 Self-respect is not the starting point of recovery. It’s the result of much deeper healing work. You can’t set boundaries when you don’t trust yourself. You won’t walk away if you still believe pain is your price for love. You won’t even see the abuse clearly if you’ve spent years explaining it away. 🚫 Why Just Focusing on Self-Respect Doesn’t Work A lot of survivors say, “I know I should walk away.” “I know I deserve better.” “I’ve read all the quotes on boundaries and red flags.” But still — they go back. Or they freeze. Or they stay stuck in that same loop. Why? Because they’re tryin...

 Have you ever told someone, “That really hurt me” , and they get back with “But I didn’t do it on purpose”? Yeah? That doesn’t make it hurt any less. Let me say it straight: Intent does not erase impact. You can love someone and still hurt them. You can mean well and still leave scars. ✍🏽 Real Stories. Real Hurt. 🔹 Scenario 1: The Friend Who Felt Left Out Three friends. Two always talking among themselves. The third? Quietly felt excluded over and over again. She finally voiced it: “I know you didn’t mean to but it hurts when I feel left out.” Instead of acknowledging her, the friend rushed to defend herself: “I didn’t do anything wrong. She’s being too sensitive.” Then came the WhatsApp group exit. Silence. Drama. 🔹 Scenario 2: The Hidden Appreciation At work, one colleague appreciated everyone publicly, with sweets and thanks. Except for one person. She was pulled aside quietly: “This is for you, but I can’t show it in front of others. People might think I’m...

If he can’t handle emotional closeness… If he just wants multiple flings… You might think — Why marry at all? Why not just stay single and play around? Why get married and suffer? Good question. It’s because narcissists don’t marry for love. They don’t marry for intimacy. They marry for control. They marry for guaranteed supply. See, flings are fun — but they can walk away. A wife? She’s socially locked in.

 If he’s not giving you sex or intimacy… You might wonder — does he not have needs? Of course he does. The narcissist is still a human being. Biologically, he has needs. But with narcissists, sex isn’t about connection. It’s not about closeness. It’s not about love. It’s about control. It’s about ego. It’s about supply. It’s about power. Inside the relationship, withholding sex becomes their weapon. The silent message? Look how desperate you are. I control when and how you get anything.

  Why doesn’t my husband want me?" — the silent question thousands of women are googling at 2AM One of my clients sat across from me, whispering through tears, “Why does he avoid me? Is it me?” What she was describing is something many women experience but almost no one talks about. Let’s talk about it. No. Sex is not just about physical release for men. That’s a huge myth. Yes — men do feel the biological urge. Yes — sometimes it feels urgent. That’s normal. But here’s what most people miss. Men also crave emotional connection. They want to feel desired. They want to feel wanted. They want to feel powerful. It’s not “men are physical, women are emotional.” That’s incomplete. Both need both.

"Why am I doing this?" This was a real question from one of my clients. She’d discovered her partner was sexting other women. When confronted, he brushed it off: "It’s just texting, not cheating." But she became obsessed with checking his phone. Every glance, every vibration, every notification—her nervous system was on high alert. "Why am I doing this?" she asked. And here’s the truth: it’s rarely about logic. It’s about unmet emotional needs, survival responses, and deeply wired attachment patterns. Let’s break it down: 1. She’s in a Trauma Bond Trauma bonding isn’t just emotional addiction. It’s a survival strategy. It rewires the nervous system to stay in a constant state of alert. One day, he’s warm. Maybe even loving. The next, he’s cold, distant—or cheating again. 👉 This emotional whiplash mimics early experiences of childhood neglect or emotional inconsistency. Her brain learned early on: “If I can just anticipate the pain, maybe I can prevent it...