Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

  Recently, I observed something in my own circle. There’s a man I know..      let’s just call him “the narcissist in the room.” We are three people in this friendship. With me, he behaves one way. With my other friend, completely different. With me, I never cross the line. I keep my boundaries firm. And with me, he is always trying to be nice, explain things, come back into the conversation, and stay in my good books. But with my other friend, who seems more emotionally involved, I see a completely different side. He shows his manipulative traits — controlling, criticizing, and pulling her down. At first, it looked confusing. But then I realized: this is exactly how narcissistic dynamics work.

  The Frustration You Know Too Well You explain. You guide. You even repeat yourself. But some people — your parent, your child, even your friends, colleagues keep acting like they already know everything. They don’t open up. They don’t let you in. And you’re left wondering: “Why don’t they get it?” The Real Reason It’s not that they don’t hear you. It’s that their nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough to soften. Here’s what’s really happening: Defensiveness as Armor Saying “I know” is easier than saying “I’m scared” or “I don’t understand.” It’s a shield against vulnerability. Fear of Exposure If they admit they don’t know, they feel weak, judged, or dependent. For many, that feels unbearable. Testing the Space Clients especially don’t open up right away. They’re silently asking: “Can I trust this person? Will they hold me without judging?” What Not to Do The mistake we all make is trying to argue with their wall. We push harder. We explain...

  The Pattern You Already Know A serious problem shows up. You try to manage it yourself. It gets too heavy. So you share it with your brother. Still feels unresolved. You tell your parents. They don’t get it. You go to your friends. They also don’t see it the way you do. Now you’re left feeling drained, misunderstood, and wondering: “Why do I keep doing this?” The Real Reason This isn’t about weakness. It’s about survival wiring. As children, many of us were conditioned to believe: “If someone else sees what I see, I’m safe. If they don’t, I’m in danger.” That’s why when something serious happens, your nervous system pushes you to spread it out to others. It’s not about solutions. It’s about resonance. You want someone to mirror back: “Yes, I see it. Yes, you’re right to feel this way.” The Problem With This Cycle Most people can’t give you that resonance. Parents filter it through control. Siblings try to fix. Friends try to comfort or distract. ...

  Boundaries and Nervous Systems Setting boundaries with parents feels like it should bring relief. You finally say, “Don’t interfere in my choices.” They don’t argue, they don’t shout, they just go silent. Technically, that’s them respecting the boundary. So why do you still feel disturbed, guilty, even unsafe? The answer lies in your nervous system.

Years since he cheated. Years since the false promises. Years since he disappeared without giving her a single answer. When she’s at work? No problem, her mind is busy. But the moment she’s free… Walking from the second floor to the third… Washing dishes… Waiting for coffee… He’s there. Not in person. In her head. She replays the betrayal. She questions   Why did he do this? What did I miss? Sometimes she even imagines the future  He comes back, says all the right things, And she finally rejects him. It feels satisfying for a second. But it’s not real. Why This Happens Your brain hates loose ends. When a relationship ends without closure, your mind treats it like an unfinished puzzle . And here’s the catch  It’s not just about him anymore. Your nervous system got hooked on the emotional spike he created: Anger. Betrayal. Longing. Strong, intense emotions. Now, every time you’re not fully focused, your brain searches for that spike again. Not because yo...

  ❌ Self-Respect Is Not Where Healing Begins The 3 Self-Qualities That Actually Save Victims from Repeating Toxic Cycles “Have some self-respect and leave.” That’s what people love to tell victims of abuse. As if self-respect is some magical switch you can flip after being gaslit, manipulated, or broken down for years. But here’s the hard truth most people don’t understand: 👉 Self-respect is not the starting point of recovery. It’s the result of much deeper healing work. You can’t set boundaries when you don’t trust yourself. You won’t walk away if you still believe pain is your price for love. You won’t even see the abuse clearly if you’ve spent years explaining it away. 🚫 Why Just Focusing on Self-Respect Doesn’t Work A lot of survivors say, “I know I should walk away.” “I know I deserve better.” “I’ve read all the quotes on boundaries and red flags.” But still — they go back. Or they freeze. Or they stay stuck in that same loop. Why? Because they’re tryin...