Notes from a Trauma Whisperer

"Why am I doing this?" This was a real question from one of my clients. She’d discovered her partner was sexting other women. When confronted, he brushed it off: "It’s just texting, not cheating." But she became obsessed with checking his phone. Every glance, every vibration, every notification—her nervous system was on high alert. "Why am I doing this?" she asked. And here’s the truth: it’s rarely about logic. It’s about unmet emotional needs, survival responses, and deeply wired attachment patterns. Let’s break it down: 1. She’s in a Trauma Bond Trauma bonding isn’t just emotional addiction. It’s a survival strategy. It rewires the nervous system to stay in a constant state of alert. One day, he’s warm. Maybe even loving. The next, he’s cold, distant—or cheating again. 👉 This emotional whiplash mimics early experiences of childhood neglect or emotional inconsistency. Her brain learned early on: “If I can just anticipate the pain, maybe I can prevent it...

  💔 "But He Wasn't Always Like This..."  Why We Hold Onto the Past in Toxic Relationships Have you ever spoken to a woman in a toxic relationship and heard her say: “But he was so good to me in the beginning...” “He was there when I had a miscarriage.” “He used to bring me flowers.” “We were so in love once.” “This isn’t who he really is...” I’ve heard this more times than I can count. And you know what? I get it. I really, really do. Whether it’s a wife stuck in emotional neglect, a mother enduring public humiliation, or a woman still holding onto a boyfriend who ghosted her — they all have one thing in common: They’re clinging to the past while the present is quietly breaking them. So today, I want to gently explore this with you: Why do we hold onto a version of someone that no longer exists? Because: That version felt safe . That version gave them hope . That version was their dream . They’re experiencing a war between: What they believed...

  When Setting a Boundary Feels Awkward But You Did Nothing Wrong You set a boundary in a shared space—maybe a business forum, an office setting, or even in a relationship. You did it calmly. Respectfully.  No drama. Just truth. But the other person didn’t take it well. They pulled away. Got passive-aggressive. Gave you “the cold shoulder.”  And now… you both exist in the same space. The air? It’s awkward. They’re not talking. You’re not talking. You feel it in your body before your brain catches up. Because you’re emotionally aware. Because you care about the energy in the room. Because silence can feel heavier than shouting. Then the thoughts creep in: “Did I do something wrong?” “Am I the one creating this tension?” “Should I have just avoided saying no?” 🎯 This is the guilt of the boundary-setter. Let’s break it down—and de-fuse that guilt. Why It Hurts More in Professional Settings Social Pressure: Groups often prioritize “harmony” over...